It was a Cirque du Soleil act in the change room. I had chosen a size too small and while it seemed to go on alright, it was the taking it off that had me in a slight state of panic.
The temperature in the change room seemed to increase by the second as I contorted my almost 50 year old self into shapes I had never been before. And, as I wrestled hard to free myself, I caught my foot on the stool and lost my balance.
What happened next - no word of a lie - will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I teetered, and then with absolutely no grace or finesse, I flailed out of the change room, scantily-clad butt first, through the curtain and into the common area of the small boutique.
As I write this, I think I'm still in shock.
I can't guarantee there weren't casualties, but I tell you what, I hopped back into that change room like an all-star gymnast. And then I hid out behind that curtain for what seemed like an eternity - wishing away any onlookers who may have been interested in catching another glimpse of the 'exhibitionist' behind curtain number one.
It's been years since that agonizing change room fiasco, but today as I write this, I feel that familiar feeling - that feeling of being over exposed. That feeling of vulnerability.
My very first book, You Are Wanted - Reclaiming the Truth of Who You Are is ready for release. And on November 2nd it will burst out from behind the curtain, exposed.
It's a deeply personal book. I take readers through my own experience with heartache, betrayal and rejection - those early days after my husband left were excruciating. And I share my own battles with anxiety, shame, and learning to re-identify myself after being kicked out of my favourite club - the wife club.
And then, if readers stick with me through the tough stuff, I share my own journey of healing. It's a raw account of my wrestle with God as He teaches me to trust Him wholeheartedly, and rely on Him alone for my identity and my worth.
Throughout the book are stories of women who have overcome heartache and loss. And every chapter holds a therapeutic section to assist readers with healing from their pain.
This book is my act of obedience - it's my Yes to my Heavenly Father.
But you know what, even though I trust Him, and I know He is in control, there's still this fear of vulnerability. Fear that exposing myself and my messy journey of healing will leave me open to harm or attack.
So, I harness my courage and step out from behind the curtain. Because sometimes God asks us to do tough stuff. And sometimes He calls on us to be vulnerable with the things we really just want to hide away. But in every case, He stands right there, right beside us.
We are never alone. And He always honours our yes.
So, here goes! Thanks for sticking it out with me.
Love, Nicole
PS... if you've had a change room experience similar to mine, I would really love to hear about it. There's comfort in shared experiences of discomfort.