Rehearsing my Anger Story
The angry spin cycle in my brain was in high gear. My typically peaceful morning walk through the forest had taken a sinister turn and had been hijacked by an anger story that was growing by the second. The sun was just coming up and Gods incredible creation was pleading with me to notice it. But I couldn’t. I was in full dress rehearsal with the anger story, and momentum was gaining.
The ongoing rude words and disrespectful attitude, left me hurt and embarrassed, so here I was in the forest, rehearsing an angry rebuttal. Practicing my best condescending tone, I linked sharp word after sharp word. For 40 minutes I held an anger dress rehearsal.
For the moment, I felt liberated, justified, and even powerful. But when I checked in on my body, I was wound up, edgy, and tense. I’d missed the whole walk through the forest, and my usual, peaceful, joy filled time in nature had been hijacked by this angry monologue that served me no good at all.
Returning home and opening my Bible, I felt mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. In the silence my heart felt that familiar nudging from my Heavenly Father. His words were gentle and clear, “Can I trust you, Nicole, with what I’ve entrusted to you?” As is typical, when God asks me a question, it comes with a broader understanding.
In a second I understood the greater context of His wondering. Could God trust me with the people He has placed in my life? The easy ones and the not-so-easy ones. Could He trust me with the story He has allowed me to live? The beautiful parts as well as the broken bits. And, could He trust me to hold all of the people and all of the story as sacred gifts from Him?
I could not say no to God. I want to be a good steward of my story, and I want to love well the people He has given to me.
And so, quite quickly, I told God yes. Yes, He could trust me with the people, and the story. Yes, He had made a good decision when He chose me to hold them. And yes, I would work on being more trustworthy in my thinking and in my behaviours.
He needs to be able to trust us with what He has entrusted to us. All of it. If it’s permitted, it holds purpose. And if they’ve been placed, they are precious.
Maybe you’re like me, frustrated about some of the challenges you’re facing, overwhelmed with the bumps and bruises you’ve acquired along the way. And maybe you have the odd anger story dress rehearsal when you feel you’ve been mistreated and disrespected. I guess that’s all part of the human condition on some level. But let’s try together to be trustworthy. Let’s decide that God didn’t make a mistake entrusting us with a unique story and with the specific people He deems necessary.
I’m a work in progress for sure. The anger story still sometimes runs amuck when things are tense. But God knows what He’s doing, and His plans are very good even when we don’t quite understand all of it. We can trust Him.